Ask Amanda: I Hate Having to Talk to My Abusive Ex

Key Takeaways:

• You can’t control an abusive ex’s behavior—but you can limit their access to you by keeping communication brief, written and focused only on logistics.
• Techniques like grey rock and yellow rock can help reduce conflict by removing the reaction an abuser is often seeking.
• Pay attention to signs of escalation, document concerning messages and reach out to an advocate if safety becomes a concern.

Q: I’m going through a divorce and my ex-husband was, and still is, abusive towards me. We share a daughter and, while he only has custody of her every other weekend, we still have to talk about pick-ups and drop-offs. He makes sure to use every instance of our texting each other to harass me, asking me endless questions just so I’ll keep talking to him, then calling me “crazy” or throwing other insults at me. I dread every time I have to text him. I’m wondering what I can do to get him to, for lack of a better way to put it, shut up?

What many people who’ve never been entangled with an abusive partner are often unaware of is that abuse hardly ever ends once a survivor leaves. That may sound dire, but in the long run, leaving an abusive partner is more often than not a much safer avenue than staying and will (hopefully) result in your freedom from that person down the road. Right now, of course, you’re still being tortured by him because of the child you share. That’s an unfair extra punishment for survivor moms. 

Other survivors without shared children might also find themselves where you are—in a land of narcissistic text messages due to something unsettled between them and their abusive ex. This might include legal matters around shared finances or property, or because they’re being stalked by an abusive ex who simply won’t let them go. Also unfair. 

There are ways you can talk to an abusive partner that will help lessen the chances he’ll try to start a fight. For starters, as much as possible, try to keep your communications in written form only. This can look like text messages or emails, or through a communication app. There are several apps created just for separated parents to discuss issues around kids. The messages can’t be altered after they’re sent and there are time stamps to show when the parent reviews it. Bonus: courts often prefer these apps as the messages can be used as evidence and create a clear record of communication. 

Here's a trick for communicating with an abuser: try a tactic called grey rock. Yes, it’s exactly as it sounds. Think of channeling the qualities of a grey rock—be motionless, silent and blend into the background. For example:

Instead of firing back at his insults with, “Why are you always like this?”....
Try: “Pickup is at 5pm.”

When he tells you something just to get a rise out of you....
Try: No response, or “Noted.”

You are not required to respond to messages that are not about your child or logistics. Your ex is looking to garner a reaction. He wants to see if he still has the power to make you upset and by giving him no reaction at all, it doesn’t give him a lot to argue with. Granted, this also takes a lot of self-control as abusers can be relentless in their emotional and verbal abuse. In an ideal world, he would stop the verbal attacks all-together once he realizes you’re not being affected, but that’s likely wishful thinking. Still, using grey rock in front of your children can reduce how much conflict they’re exposed to and show them what it looks like to stay calm and not engage with harmful behavior.

Yellow rock communication is similar. This involves speaking to the abuser, but with the idea that anything you say can be used against you. Think of the “yellow” in this as a caution sign. Avoid explaining yourself or getting into a back-and-forth discussion about past events. 

Watch out for red flags denoting your ex-abusive partner is escalating. Remember, any time an abuser feels like they’re losing control, even if you’re no longer in a relationship, there’s a chance he’ll escalate his abuse.  

Be aware of words or phrases an abuser may use when things are escalating. They might sound like this:

“Just try to do that—you’ll regret it.”

“You have no idea what I’m capable of.”

“You think you got it bad, I can show you bad.”

“You’re going to regret this soon enough.”

“You know I can get a gun.” or “I have a gun.”

Consider taking this danger assessment if you’re unsure of how serious your abusive ex’s behavior is, and don’t hesitate to reach out to a trained domestic violence advocate for more help and advice.

Have a question for Ask Amanda? Message us on Facebook, Twitter, or email AskAmanda@DomesticShelters.org. 

Ask Amanda is meant to offer helpful resources and information about domestic violence. If in crisis, please reach out to your nearest domestic violence shelter for the guidance of a trained advocate.