Unlearning the Lies of Childhood Domestic Violence

This piece was originally published in 2016. It was updated in 2024.

Children are like little sponges—they absorb everything around them and hold on to it. Anyone who’s accidentally said a bad word in front of their toddler knows this lesson well.

When children are exposed to domestic violence from an early age, they also soak that in, and the after-effects can be devastating. This is sometimes called childhood domestic violence (CDV), a term coined by the nonprofit Childhood Domestic Violence Foundation, founded in 2007 by Brian F. Martin to raise awareness about children who have lived through and been victimized by childhood abuse. This can include being abused by a parent or caregiver, or by witnessing the abuse of one parent by another, the effects of which can be just as severe as being directly targeted. Much of the work the foundation does centers on raising awareness about the pervasive effects of CDV in adulthood and the profound impact that can last a lifetime if not addressed. 

These effects are also reflected in an individual’s ACE score, or Adverse Childhood Experiences. Research from the CDC-Kaiser Permanente Adverse Childhood Experiences Study in the late ‘90s showed that the more “yes” answers participants had in a 10-question survey about their childhood trauma, the more likely they were to face health and social challenges in adulthood. This can include cancer, heart disease, obesity, risk of suicide or passing ACEs down to the next generation. 

ACE questions cover issues such as physical abuse, sexual abuse, alcoholism and neglect. Since its release, new surveys have added other types of trauma. These include witnessing violence outside the home, witnessing a sibling being abused, living in an unsafe neighborhood, being bullied by a peer or adult, experiencing racism or being separated from a loved one due to deportation. 

Katy’s Story

Katy was only 9 months old when her parents separated and only 3 years old when she began to exhibit signs of sexual abuse.

“I disclosed to two police officers that I didn’t want to see my father,” says the now 36-year-old mom of two. An exam would turn up physical evidence of abuse and an investigation was opened. Katy’s mom filed for sole custody of Katy and her older brother, whose father was allowed supervised visits while the court decided their fate. 

Katy says her dad claimed parental alienation and used his financial status to buy custody of his kids.

“He found witnesses who said there was no evidence of abuse,” says Katy. Two never even met Katy, and the one witness who examined her wasn’t board-certified, she says.

As a result, Katy’s father ended up getting full custody of the two children and was never charged for his abuse. When they moved in with their dad, Katy remembers that her brother fiercely protected her, never allowing her to be alone with their dad. Luckily, his abuse stopped as a result. But for the next four years, Katy says she and her brother were neglected by her father and an alcoholic stepmother who often left the children in the care of their grandparents. Unfortunately, the sexual abuse continued there by Katy’s grandfather.

“When I disclosed that, they just blamed it on my mom. I was 8 at the time, so I knew exactly what happened.”

In front of her grandfather, a guardian ad litem questioned Katy’s memory of the events. 

“She said, if he did that, he’ll go to jail. So, I ended up changing my story.” Katy recanted.

“No one would protect us. So after four years, we ran away.”

Katy and her brother escaped to the safety of their mother’s home. A court granted her temporary custody of the two children just for the summer. But when their father never challenged the custody arrangement after summer passed, Katy and her brother simply stayed until they turned 18. As an adult, her father began utilizing the court system to continue to torture Katy, her mom, and her brother. 

“My father has been suing my mother for over 30 years, as well as now suing my grandmother and me.” Katy says he’s trying to get back nominal alimony payments he paid Katy’s mom 30 years ago. Some days, it feels like the anguish will never end, but Katy looks to her mom as a source of strength.

“Learning all my mom’s gone through, I’m amazed she’s still standing. My mom has always put us as No. 1,” she says. 

Katy, a pediatrician, said she always knew that was the profession for her—the ultimate way to help and protect kids. She’s also become a staunch advocate for the protection of kids in the family court system, educating judges on childhood domestic violence and other traumas.

“Children are smart. We need to give them more credit than we do, but it’s so sad what [courts] are continuing to do to them.”

5 Lies Childhood Domestic Violence Survivors Can Unlearn

Like many survivors of abuse, Katy worked to unlearn certain falsehoods the abuse imprinted on her young self. Like the lie that she should feel embarrassed about what happened to her, for one. 

“I didn’t want anyone to know what happened with my grandfather,” she says, part of the reason she recanted her disclosure. Innately, she says, “I think children want to have a good relationship with their parents.” Her childhood self also felt somehow responsible for fixing the abuse.  

“I spent a lot of time telling my father, ‘OK, we’re going to have parenting classes’ and I would sit him down and try to tell him how to be a good parent.” 

She has since learned shame and sharing responsibility for abuse are lies that come with the trauma. Martin, the founder of the Childhood Domestic Violence Association and a survivor of CDV himself, says that there are many falsehoods children with CDV carry with them into adulthood. Here are four to begin to unlearn if you’re a survivor:

1. Lie: “It was my fault. I caused it and I should have stopped it.” Children think emotionally, not rationally. Carrying around guilt can be common and can lead to feelings of unworthiness and shame.

Truth: “I now realize that I couldn’t be responsible for the actions of others.” Martin encourages survivors to set themselves free by sharing their stories with someone else. “It was never your fault, so it’s time to allow yourself to really feel that way,” he says.

2. Lie: “It’s safer to be silent than tell someone the truth.” Children are often threatened or coerced to keep abuse a secret. An abuser may tell them, “No one will believe you.” This hesitation to disclose may follow a child into adulthood.

Truth: “I learned you need to keep advocating for yourself,” says Katy. “If no one who is supposed to protect you does, you need to keep fighting. Eventually, that is what my brother and I did, and that is what kept us safe.” While speaking out may not be the solution in all cases, survivors who are ready to report abuse, either for legal reasons or to find validation and support, can seek out a trusted advocate who can help them do just that. 

3. Lie: “Anger gives me the power and control I never had.” Those with CDV often use anger to teach people who hurt them a lesson, utilizing tactics like hurtful words, a cold shoulder or threats.

Truth: “I transform the impulse of anger and resentment into passion.” Anger and passion are similar, except passion will fuel personal growth. Feel a sense of power by controlling your anger and transforming it into a passion to achieve your dreams instead. For Katy, that meant becoming a pediatrician and an activist. 

4. Lie: “I am fearful. Bad things are going to happen.” Growing up under the constant threat of violence in the home can make a person constantly on high alert.

Truth: “I have more courage than I know.” It takes incredible strength to survive growing up with—and surviving—a home where domestic violence was prevalent. Find your confidence in knowing you are resilient, says Martin. Katy says that she seeks calm in her adult life to combat anxiety. “Growing up, I felt like things were always chaotic and I always sought normalcy and I didn’t know if that was achievable,” she says. “Now, I try to give my kids just a regular life without all the extra drama. And that gives me so much joy.”

5. Lie: “Good things don’t happen to people like me.” Children can feel hopeless when witnessing domestic violence, and they may feel like nothing they do makes a difference, so why bother even to try?

Truth: “The injustice I experienced as a child created a spiritual strength inside me.” Your life has a purpose, says Martin. Believe that you made it through your childhood because you are special and guided, and there is something here for you to do and become.