Leaving Without Dying

Key Takeaways:

• Leaving is often the most dangerous time in a relationship with an abuser, but careful safety planning can help reduce the risk.
• Trust your instincts. Only you know when it's safest to leave, and you don't have to make that decision alone.
• A trained domestic violence advocate can help you create a personalized escape plan, connect you with resources and increase your safety before, during and after leaving.

This article was originally published in 2017. It was updated in 2026. 

The most dangerous time for a survivor is often when they leave an abusive partner. It's a warning repeated so frequently in conversations about domestic violence that it naturally raises an important question: If it's dangerous to leave—and dangerous to stay—what is a survivor supposed to do?

Undoubtedly, the safest decision is still to leave. But how and when they leave matters. Only survivors know when it’s safest to separate from an abusive partner, and it’s not always immediately. Whenever possible, leaving should be done with careful planning and support. That said, not every survivor has the luxury of time. When someone believes they're in immediate danger of being killed or seriously harmed, leaving quickly may be the safest, and only, option. 

Why Leaving Abuse Can Increase Danger

Abusers utilize violence and control to trap a partner with them and maintain power over them. They do this through intimidation, threats and violence—the very tactics represented in the Power and Control Wheel. Because abuse is fundamentally about power and control, the decision to leave can be one of the greatest threats to an abuser. Faced with losing that control, some abusers escalate their violence in an attempt to stop the survivor from leaving.

“In intimate partner violence, the victim and abuser know each other. With that level of intimacy, the abuser knows the pressure points, the ways to manipulate [the victim] emotionally, and the triggers that set them off,” says threat management expert Spence Coursen, author of The Safety Trap. In most cases, the abuser has already expressed and displayed violence and is ready to escalate it, he adds. And the most common time to do so is when the survivor decides to leave.

Who Is Most Likely to Be Murdered?

Women. According to the most recent report from the National Violent Death Reporting System (NVDRS), a CDC database that pulls data from death certificates, police reports and medical examiner records, 3,991 women were killed by intimate partners between 2018 and 2021. These murders most often occurred in a residence with one female victim, one male partner and a firearm as the murder weapon. 

In a similar study, researchers with the FBI looked at the years 2020 to 2024 and found 11,000 individuals were victims of a domestic violence murder, with 75 percent of them being female. Each year since 2020, the number of homicides related to domestic violence steadily increased. 

Black Women. Black women were disproportionately victims, accounting for nearly 30 percent of the murders even though Black women make up just over 13 percent of the U.S. population. 

Children and Other Family Members. In many incidents of domestic violence homicide, the abuser kills not just their partner or former partner, but also others close to the victim, such as their children or additional family members of their partner. 

In the devastating case of Megan Hiatt, while the 22-year-old was packing up her things to leave a controlling and sexually abusive boyfriend, he returned home and shot Hiatt seven times. He then fatally shot her father, who was helping his daughter leave, as well as the couple’s twin baby girls, only six months old, before taking his own life. Hiatt was the only survivor. 

Referred to as familicide or family annihilation, it was found that this horrifying act of abusers murdering more than one family member—and often themselves—in quick succession occurs on average once every five days in the U.S. 

How To Leave More Safely

A survey on DomesticShelters.org revealed that survivors left their abusive partners, on average, over six times before staying away for good. Even when survivors know it’s time to go, there are tactics abusers use to coerce their partner to stay or come back. Abusers may threaten additional violence to the survivor, other family members or pets if a survivor doesn’t return. An abuser may convince the survivor that they’re getting help and that things will get better. The abuser may control the finances, leaving the survivor with no other feasible options but to return. The abuser may convince the survivor that no one will believe them, and that no one will help them. The abuser may threaten to call authorities on a survivor who is not yet a documented citizen. 

Survivors sometimes make the difficult decision to return to the abuser—the danger they know—rather than face an unknown fate, homelessness or victim-blaming by leaving. To leave more safely and increase the chances of staying away for good, survivors should consider the following:

Only you, the survivor, know when the best time is to leave. While others in a survivor’s support circle may pointedly ask, “Why don’t you leave now?” a survivor should always trust their gut instinct when it comes to timing and when it’s safest to escape. 

Find an advocate you can trust. Survivors should not try to leave on their own unless it’s a split-second, life-or-death decision. Call a domestic violence organization in your area, or a Family Justice Center, and talk about safety planning, whether or not shelter is right for you, other emergency housing alternatives, what to do with pets, how to file for an order of protection and whether or not you want to press charges. Even if you’re not ready to go, you can begin making a plan for someday. 

Plan for a permanent change. When you’re safety planning, you want to make sure you covertly assemble all the essential items you’ll need in order to never have to return to the abuser again, lowering your risk of being harmed or killed. This can include everything from important paperwork to necessary medications. A complete list can be found below. 

If you’re afraid packing all these items at once will arouse suspicion in your abuser, consider taking one or two items with you at a time to work or to a trusted friend or family member’s house. You could hide them in your purse, a diaper bag or your lunch.

Create emergency words or signals. This could be a secret code word or message that you send to friends or family members when you’re in danger and need help, but don’t want to cause the abuser to notice. A signal could be something like leaving the curtain up in the front window of your house, which signals to a neighbor in the know to call police. 

Warning Signs an Abuser May Become Lethal

Our gut instinct is a valuable tool for detecting when abusers are escalating. Perhaps the number one indicator that an abuser is planning to turn homicidal is the survivor fearing for her life, either during the relationship or after leaving. Many survivors are tempted to minimize abuse, talking themselves out of the seemingly ludicrous idea that their partner, who they likely once loved and trusted, would kill them. But that in and of itself is a red flag. If the thought has crossed your mind that your current or former partner is capable of murder, it likely means they are. 

Abusers are rarely impulsive and—despite stereotypes to the contrary—are often very much in control of their actions. As scary as it sounds, an abuser likely knows how their path of power and control will proceed from the beginning of the relationship, and whether or not they’re capable of murder should the survivor try to leave. That’s why heeding warning signs early can save your life. When you notice any of these in a partner, it’s time to reach out for help:

• Perceived loss of control over the victim through separation, divorce or the victim leaving
• Extreme jealousy
• An escalation of abuse
• Abuse that occurs in a public place
• Suicide or homicidal threats and plans to carry out either
• Access to a weapon, especially a gun
• Stalking
• A history of mental health problems
• Substance abuse
• A history of sexual abuse of the victim or of children
• Violation of a protective order

What To Pack Before Leaving an Abuser

If a survivor has the time to plan out an exit ahead of time, gathering a few important items can help them protect themselves and start rebuilding their lives. In many cases, survivors don’t return home for a long time after the initial separation knowing it’s not safe to do so. These items can help survivors secure an order of protection, an emergency custody order, prove pet ownership, file for divorce, open their own bank account, secure a lease or a loan and secure items of personal or sentimental value before they are lost or intentionally destroyed.

Important Paperwork

• Birth certificates and social security cards for yourself and your children
• Driver’s license and/or passports
• W2s and paystubs
• Work permits
• Government benefits card
• Green card or immigration papers
• Marriage, divorce and custody papers
• Legal protection or restraining orders and records of any police reports you have filed
• Health insurance cards and medical records
• Your children’s school records
• Immunization records
• Financial records and bank account numbers
• Apartment rental agreement or lease, or house deed
• Car title, registration and insurance documentation

Tip: Keep photos of these documents in a secure digital file. In some cases, photos will be sufficient proof of documentation, and in other cases, the photos will make it easier for you to replace the document if you need to leave without it.

Money

• Cash and prepaid credit cards that can’t be traced
• Credit cards and the PIN numbers you need to withdraw cash
• Small valuables you could sell if need be

Tip: An abuser may cancel shared credit cards or close or drain joint bank accounts in order to force a survivor to return. When possible, stash cash ahead of time, or covertly open up a bank account or credit card in your name only that your abusive partner can’t access, as long as it won’t put you in more danger.

Communication

• A post office box or safe address where you can forward your mail
• Prepaid cell phone or a cell phone with a new contract and number
• Your address book or cell phone contacts written down on paper

Tip: If possible, secure new doctors, dentists, orthodontists, veterinarians, schools and other locations for yourself, your children and your pets so your abuser can’t find you in those places. Make a list of the contact information for each to take with you.

Medical

• Current medications and prescriptions for yourself and your children
• Eyeglasses, contact lenses, hearing aids and any other medical devices you or your children need

Other items

• Pets, their records, and any needed items like food, a leash, bedding and medication
• Keys
• Clothing
• Small toys or books for your children
• Any keepsakes you would like to have

Tip: Leave a spare set of car keys with someone you trust in case the abuser takes yours to try to prevent you from leaving.

Digital Safety Before Escape

Abusers are known to use technology to cyberstalk their partners. And these days, our entire lives are basically accessible online, a dangerous fact when it comes to someone who wants to cause us harm. A few steps to consider taking before leaving an abuser can increase a survivor’s safety. If possible, these steps should be taken on a computer that isn’t shared by the abuser or that the abuser can’t access, such as a work computer, a friend’s computer or a computer at the public library. 

• Create a new email address unknown to an abuser or partner. 
• Consider getting a new phone number, as well. While smartphones are convenient, they are also equipped with technology that enables tracking. Consider a pay-as-you-go phone for privacy. Explore the FCC’s Lifeline program for financial assistance security mobile or broadband access.
• Do not link or use an existing account for confirmation/backup to avoid sending notifications to an abuser that would alert them of the new account’s existence. 
• Change your passwords to complex passphrases an abuser would not guess.
• Use a virtual private network (VPN) to remain anonymous while browsing the internet, signing a new lease or applying for a new home loan. This will also keep your location anonymous from anyone who has gained access to or infiltrated your device. 
• Apply to the address confidentiality program in your state to set up a confidential mailing address. Some states offer motor vehicle registration and health insurance confidentiality, as well. If you’re not eligible or your state doesn’t offer this program, open a post office box to receive mail.

After you’ve left an abuser, you can take additional steps that may have otherwise been dangerous before escaping their control or presence such as restoring all of your devices to factory settings. For more tips, see “Protect Your Digital Life When Leaving an Abuser.”  

How To Leave Without Alerting an Abuser

A survivor should take precautions not to let the abusive partner know when they’re planning to leave. That may mean continuing to act like everything is OK up until the time they leave. Even an abuser who has never been physically violent before can escalate their behavior when they realize they’re losing control. 

In addition, survivors should not alert mutual friends or family members that they’re planning to leave as these individuals may inadvertently mention this to the abuser. When it comes to packing, do so gradually so that the abuser doesn’t notice that certain things are missing. Keep these items at a different location than at home, like a friend or neighbor’s home, or at work. It’s also vital to work with an advocate who can help the survivor be aware of other possible dangers they’re not thinking of. 

What To Do After Leaving

While leaving is undoubtedly the bravest step a survivor can take to lead a safer and healthier life, their partner’s abuse doesn’t always stop after separation. It’s important that survivors plan for any further tactics of power and control the abuser may utilize. This can include:

• Securing custody of children. Some abusers try to use shady legal routes to convince a court the survivor isn’t fit to have custody. This is a form of post-separation abuse, but there are ways survivors can prepare. 
• Rebuilding finances. Having your own money is key to staying away from an abuser who may spout promises of financial security if the survivor returns. Read “Ask Amanda: How Do I Rebuild My Finances After Abuse?” for more information. 
• Reporting stalking. Stalking is illegal in all 50 states. Secure a protection order and report all violations of this order. Keep a log of any other stalking tactics (harassing you online, driving past your house, logging into your accounts as you, etc.) and use this to show a pattern of stalking to law enforcement. 
• Taking care of your emotional health. A survivor may feel an initial period of relief following their escape from an abuser, but with peace can also come anxiety and doubt. Did I do the right thing? Was it really that bad? Will I ever feel safe again? Consider filling out this emotional safety plan worksheet, and prioritize your mental health. 

When To Call Police

If a survivor believes they or their children are in immediate danger, calling 911 can be the fastest way to get emergency help. When an abuser is threatening to kill a partner, their children or themselves, those threats should always be taken seriously. Experts warn that when abusers threaten suicide, they often also murder their partners. When an abuser has obtained a weapon, survivors may want to call police to inquire about an extreme risk protection order, which can remove guns from someone who is a risk to themselves or someone else. 

However, calling the police isn’t always the safest or most trusted route for everyone. We want to believe that police will believe victims and protect them from intimate partner violence, but survivors report that’s not always the case. 

The ACLU surveyed more than 900 advocates, service providers and attorneys and found that a majority, 88 percent, stated police “sometimes” or “often” do not believe victims or even blame victims for the violence. Respondents also report that domestic violence survivors hesitate to involve law enforcement, believing child protective services or immigration will be called, or their abuser may be arrested, resulting in the loss of housing, employment or welfare benefits.

In a study by the National Violent Death Reporting System, researchers found that 30 percent of the women killed by an intimate partner had reached out to police sometime in the year prior to their murders. 

How Domestic Violence Advocates Help

Reaching out to a trained domestic violence advocate can be an essential lifeline in leaving an abuser with your life. Advocates will believe you and will help you plan the best route to safety. Disclosing to friends and family members can put you at risk if they mistakenly let on to the abuser that you plan to end the relationship. 

An advocate is a nonjudgmental resource that understands how hard it is to leave an abusive partner. They understand the myriad barriers that can stand in the way of a survivor being able to leave. 

You can reach out to an advocate at a domestic violence helpline even if you’re not ready to leave. 

If You Can’t Leave Yet

Only survivors know when it’s safest to leave an abuser. Leaving can’t always happen in an instant. Sometimes, a survivor needs to take some time to carefully plan an exit, save some money, establish a new place to live where the abuser can’t find them and secure safety for their children. But those extra days, weeks or months that a survivor has to stay with an abusive partner can mean taking an additional risk. 

If you’re planning to leave, but can’t just yet, it’s important to have a safety plan in place. This can help you plan for contingencies, like what if the abuser acquires a gun? What if the abuse takes a sharp escalation? What if the abuser finds out you’re planning to leave? It’s vital to know ahead of time what you would do in each of these scenarios, whether it’s to call 911 or a trusted friend or escape to another location like an emergency shelter.

Frequently Asked Questions

A few more questions you may be asking yourself, answered below. 

Why is leaving abuse dangerous?

The crux of domestic violence is a pattern of power and control by one partner over another. When the abusive partner realizes they’ve lost control because the survivor has left them, some abusers sharply escalate their abusive tactics to regain that power. Abusers feel entitled to have this power over a partner so, to them, these actions feel justified. When a survivor doesn’t return, the abuser feels like it’s their right to regain control by any means necessary, or to end that person’s life. 

When is an abuser most likely to become violent?

An abuser can become violent at any point in a relationship. But when it comes to homicide, the point in which a partner decides to leave puts that survivor at greatest risk. In a landmark study by domestic violence researcher Jacquelyn Campbell, the combination of a highly controlling partner and a survivor leaving that partner increased the risk of homicide ninefold. 

How can I leave safely?

A survivor should never try to leave alone. Speak to a trained domestic violence advocate to formulate a safety plan—a blueprint that will help you make important decisions ahead of time. Don’t let on to the abusive partner that you are planning to leave. It’s best to act as normal as possible. When you do leave, choose a place where the abuser cannot find you, such as a domestic violence shelter or a location the abuser has never been to. Turn off tracking on all devices before leaving. And consider filing an order of protection which will result in criminal consequences if the abuser contacts you or comes near you. 

What if I’m too scared to leave?

Being afraid to leave an abuser is normal. There can be a fear of retribution from the abuser as well as a fear of upending your life and starting over. It may help to think not of the leaving itself but of five years down the road—what do you want your life to look like? Do you want to be somewhere that you feel safe, or do you still want to be controlled by your partner?

What should I pack before leaving?

Make sure to pack essential paperwork like birth certificates and social security cards, copies of police reports you’ve filed against the abuser and proof of pet ownership. You’ll also want to consider getting a prepaid cell phone or a cell phone with a new contract and number so the abuser can’t track you. If possible, stash away some cash you can take with you or open a new credit card not tied to any joint account. Make sure to take any medications you need, a change of clothing, some toys and comfort items for your children and any small keepsakes you want to make sure don’t get lost or destroyed. A complete packing list can be found above. 

Should I tell my abuser I’m leaving?

Definitely not. An abuser is more likely to escalate their control, as well as their violence, if they think that you are leaving them. 

How do I protect my children while leaving?

Children, even as young as infants, can have lifelong effects by living with domestic violence. It’s important to get them out of that environment as soon as it’s safe to do so. You’ll want to understand your state’s child custody laws to make sure you can secure legal emergency custody of them and won’t face legal repercussions. For more information read “How to Escape an Abuser With Your Children” and “Safety Planning With Your Kids.”

Can police help me leave safely?

Police can be the most immediate solution in an emergency. However, some survivors have reported that law enforcement did not always believe their account of events. Some survivors have even been arrested when the abuser convinced police they were the victim. This abusive tactic is referred to as DARVO—deny, attack, reverse victim and offender. If not in imminent danger, it may be more helpful to talk to a domestic violence advocate first before contacting the police to ask for other help or potentially file charges.

What is a domestic violence safety plan?

A safety plan is a form of protection that allows a survivor to prepare what they can do during or between abusive incidents to keep themselves and their children safe. This might involve how they can escape, where they can go, who they can rely on to help them and the additional protections they can put in place to possibly stay gone for good. Read “A Guide to Domestic Violence Safety Planning” for more information. 

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