How Abusers Use Intimidation as a Form of Psychological Abuse

Key Takeaways

1. Intimidation is a deliberate form of abuse. Abusers use fear, threats and psychological pressure to control their partners, often without physical violence.
2. Recognizing the signs of emotional abuse is crucial. Feeling tense, “walking on eggshells” or changing behavior to avoid conflict can indicate a pattern of intimidation.
3. Safety and support matter. Survivors should prioritize safety, document patterns and reach out to trusted friends, domestic violence hotlines or professionals for guidance.

Intimidation is something survivors of domestic violence know well, though they may not immediately recognize it as a tactic of abuse. But intimidation is absolutely a form of abuse. Abusers know very well how much threats of violence or danger can control their partners. Intimidation is emotional and psychological abuse. As a result, it may be hard for survivors to recognize that when intimidation is used regularly by a partner, the survivor is trapped in a cycle of abuse. 

“Intimidation is one of the most insidious forms of abuse because it relies on fear rather than physical harm. Abusers use psychological power to keep survivors in a constant state of anxiety, always anticipating what could happen,” says Anat Joseph, LCSW, psychoanalyst at MyPsychotherapy. “This sense of fear makes it difficult for survivors to feel safe in even the smallest aspects of their daily lives.”

Intimidation is often coupled with isolation from family, friends and other support. The threat of violence may be just as terrifying as actual physical violence. “A victim may feel like they are walking on eggshells, scanning for danger or never fully able to relax in their environment. This tension and fear can drain a person emotionally, mentally and physically, as their world shrinks down to whatever it takes to keep their abuser calm,” says Gayle Clark, LCSW, a therapist at A Braver Space LLC who specializes in helping people heal from toxic or abusive partners. 

Intimidation Examples: Recognizing Intimidation Tactics

Intimidation is not “just anger” or “just a bad temper.” Clark says, “Domestic violence perpetrators rarely act that way in other areas of their life. They can keep their cool with their boss, their friends or their family. But with their partner they choose differently. It is a deliberate tactic, and it sends a deliberate message.”

That message is: “I can hurt you. You know what I’m capable of. I hold the power and control in this relationship.”

Abusers could use actions like these to intimidate survivors:

• Slamming doors, throwing objects or destroying property
• Staring or glaring at the survivor
• Invading personal space
• Towering over or cornering the survivor
• Using the silent treatment
• Making menacing comments like “I'd hate for anything to happen to your pet” or "I can understand why husbands kill their wives" 
• Cleaning a gun in front of a partner or glancing at a weapon locked in a cabinet
• Not communicating when they have the children, which implies that they could take the children away
• Physically fighting with others to show their strength and power
• Commenting on where a survivor’s loved one lives to infer that they could be found and harmed
• Driving recklessly
• Controlling access to money or transportation
• Threats about access to medical care
• Threatening to leave the survivor somewhere without a way to get home
• Making veiled threats to the survivor, children or pets
• In LGBTQ+ relationships, threats to out the survivor to family, friends or co-workers whom they may not be out to
• Filing an order of protection against the survivor
• Isolating a survivor from friends, family and community
• Threatening immigration status or threatening to call the police
• Showing up at a survivor’s workplace and making a scene
• Creating any type of situation where they have all the power

These actions are designed to trigger fear and to train a survivor to expect to be victimized even without a physical attack. “The victim will be hypersensitive to even the smallest change in tone or posture, which makes the victim always on the alert,” said Emma Alves, a senior lawyer at Alves Law who specializes in family law.

Why It Can Be Hard to Spot the Signs of Intimidation

The early signs of intimidation in relationships with an abusive partner can be easy to overlook. “The abuser will seek to control the survivor in the guise of love, assuring them and everyone else that they are only behaving as they are because they love the person they seek to control,” says Anindita Bhaumik, LISCW, certified trauma professional and clinical director at Boston Evening Therapy Associates. “A pattern of coercive control is slowly established. Power is taken incrementally, so many do not even realize they are being abused.”

If you’re not sure if your partner is deliberately using intimidation to control you, watch for signs like these:

• Feeling tense, unsafe or like you are “walking on eggshells” 
• Changing your behavior, silencing yourself or avoiding certain actions to prevent conflict
• A cycle of abuse that includes rising tension, an outburst, an explosion then a crash and makeup.

“Recognizing and naming intimidation as a form of abuse is an important first step towards safety,” Clark says. It’s important to understand that your feelings are a result of the abuser’s behavior, not a personal weakness, and intimidation is not acceptable in a healthy relationship. It is deliberate and targeted, and it will probably get worse. 

The message being communicated is, “I control when you feel fear, and therefore I control you.”

What to Do if You Think Your Partner Is Intimidating You

It might not be possible for you to reduce or eliminate intimidation because the abuser is responsible for it. “What survivors can do is prioritize their safety, document patterns of intimidation and reach out to support systems such as friends, family or domestic violence hotlines,” Joseph says.

Prepare an Intimidation Safety Plan

Keeping yourself safe physically may involve:

• Going along with a situation if needed to stay safe
• Moving away from kitchens, garages and other places where weapons might be found if intimidation begins
• Trying not to get cornered
• Avoiding direct confrontation, which almost never helps
• Keeping a go bag ready, in case you have to leave quickly (though not leaving the bag in a place where the abuser can easily find it, such as in your home or car)

To keep yourself safe emotionally you may want to try:

• Having words of affirmation on hand to remind yourself you are not crazyRemembering that you are not responsible for the intimidation
• Seeking help from a friend, therapist or local domestic violence shelter

“If possible, safety planning with a domestic violence professional is recommended,” Clark says. “A professional can best direct and shape a plan that can be your guide when or if things escalate.” 

How Documentation Can Help Survivors

Christopher Migliaccio, attorney and founder at Warren & Migliaccio, L.L.P., recommends keeping a record of events. “Slamming the door once may not establish intimidation, but a repeated pattern of escalating incidents may rise as legal evidence,” he says.

It’s common for survivors to downplay intimidation, or believe that they are overreacting to it. “Any written accounts, however small, will assist in bringing up patterns that a person might be less keen to acknowledge individually,” Alves said.

How Others Can Support Someone Who’s Being Intimidated

If you notice something that looks like intimidation, try to connect with the person privately. “If you see someone shrivel in response to their partner entering the room, if they second-guess their words entirely to avoid a confrontation or becoming agitated, or if they are hypervigilant around their partner, those are warning signs. Let them know you are there and understand the abuser’s tactics, but do not directly confront the abuser,” Migliaccio says.

Keep in mind that survivors may deny what’s happening. They may use denial as a way to protect themselves, or because acknowledging what they are experiencing feels too dangerous. Your support could still make a difference.

“The simple act of calling out the intimidation to the survivor in a private and safe way can be validating. The survivor may make excuses. However, your validation may make the difference in their journey,” says Catrina Drinning-Davis, a licensed professional counselor.

Tell the person that you’re open to helping them anytime they need it. “Stay in touch with the survivor and let them know that you are always there in case they need help. Survivors do not often initially recognize their partner is abusive, so it can take time before they are ready to seek help and support.

 Once they are, reaching out to that support system that has always been there, and seeking agencies that can offer practical services to help them leave the relationship, are key,” Bhaumik says. 

You may want to offer practical assistance, such as a place to stay or transportation to court hearings, which can show a survivor that you think the intimidation is real and that you’re there to support them.

Final Thoughts on Confronting Intimidation

“Intimidation is not a sign of love or care. It is a tool of control,” Joseph said. “Survivors should know that their fear is valid, and that what they are experiencing is abuse.”

Dealing with intimidation is challenging but national hotlines, local shelters and trauma-informed therapists can provide guidance and support. “Even though the path is not easy, there is a way out,” Bhaumik says.

If you’re not sure if what you’re experiencing is intimidation, ask Hope Chat located in the lower part of your screen here on DomesticShelters.org. Our AI helper can help you understand what you’re experiencing and find resources for help and support in your area.