Is Cheating Abuse? The Role of Infidelity and Accusations in Domestic Abuse

Key Takeaways:

1. Cheating as control: In relationships with abusive partners, infidelity is often a deliberate tactic to dominate and degrade the survivor.
2. Accusations as manipulation: False claims of cheating keep survivors off-balance and dependent on the abuser.
3. When cheating is abuse: When infidelity or accusations are used to control, it’s abuse — and survivors deserve support, not blame.

When you think of abusive tactics in relationships, you might picture hitting, slapping, shoving or strangulation. Maybe you think of shouting matches or the coldness of prolonged silence. But, is cheating abuse? In some cases, yes. Infidelity doesn’t usually register as abuse—it seems more like an unfortunate, even predictable, behavior of a disrespectful partner. But cheating can also be something else entirely: a deliberate tool of power and control.

The Dangers of Cheating to a Survivor

Cheating involves a partner choosing to do something very intimate with another person without their original partner’s consent, which is the crux of power and control. Not only can this erode any trust the survivor has in their partner, but it can expose the survivor to the risk of sexually transmitted disease. 

Infidelity can cause the survivor to feel shame that she doesn’t deserve and victim-blaming from those outside the relationship is also common, especially if the abuser tries to shift blame onto the survivor. Cheating can even lead to financial risks if infidelity results in the loss of the abuser’s job and, by proxy, child support. 

In some cases, cheating can escalate the danger level in an already abusive partner. When an abuser cheats, the involvement of the person they’re cheating with—or that person’s partner, if they have one—can turn volatile, putting everyone’s safety at risk.

Cheating During Abuse Is Not a Lack of Impulse Control

“A lot of the cases that I’m directly involved in there is an infidelity component,” says Amanda Rodriguez, Esq., CEO of TurnAround, Inc. in Maryland, a domestic violence and anti-human trafficking center in Maryland. 

“In my experience, I see it with regularity. Like any other tactic of abuse, infidelity is committed intentionally and purposely. It’s weaponized.”

Rodriguez describes cheating as abuse as yet another way to dominate. It’s often premeditated and pointedly done to hurt the victim in most cases.

“It’s to show, ‘I can do this. I can go out and do what I want to do when I want to do it.’ It creates a subservient relationship with the survivor,” she says.

Infidelity Degrades a Survivor’s Self-Esteem

As with many abusive tactics, cheating on a survivor is a tool abusers may use to belittle and degrade that partner, lowering their self-esteem. Being cheated on by someone we trust can make us question our own worth and value—why wasn’t I enough on my own? The more down about oneself a survivor feels, the more dependent they’ll be on the abuser to validate them, or so the abuser believes. 

It almost becomes a gift when the abuser decides not to cheat, explains Rodriguez. 

Sadly, one of the times she often sees abusers weaponize cheating is after their partner has a baby. 

“Women are low hormonally and emotionally after a baby is born,” she explains. It’s almost like the perfect time, in an abusive partner’s twisted mind, to exploit that survivor’s self-image even more. Likewise, the abuser exploits her dependency for emotional, physical and often, financial support. 

Cheating can be the weapon, but not cheating can be the reward when a survivor becomes subservient and does what the abuser wants. Often, these wants are not kind—they may be sexual in nature and may come before the survivor is physically ready to be intimate. They may be forced as a form of torture and control. But in the survivor’s mind, it may seem almost less of a punishment to endure sexual abuse and have their partner at home with them than to have them be gone and cheating.

Flipping the Script: Is Constantly Accusing Someone of Cheating Abuse? Yes.

Sometimes, rather than cheating, an abusive partner channels their own insecurity or guilt into constant accusations that the survivor is being unfaithful. Even without any evidence or break in trust in the relationship, an abuser may continue to gaslight the survivor into believing that the survivor is the unfaithful one, the one who can’t be trusted. Rodriguez explains why an abuser may do this. 

“[The abuser] is putting the survivor in a heightened state, a place of unease. They’re setting the stage… baiting.” The survivor’s response, she says, is often to “double down on their love.”

False accusations of cheating can also be used as an isolating tactic by the abuser to keep the survivor away from the abuser’s male friends, another facet of control.

“Whenever there is instability, it’s an easy way for abusers to create an environment they can fix themselves.”

Simply put, an abuser will create drama and strife that the survivor will have to try and defend herself against. The abuser’s forgiveness for this misbehavior—that was never even committed—will once again be his gift to her. She will then be indebted to him, another way to say the survivor will be under his control. It’s also likely the survivor will not be allowed to question the abuser going forward about his own whereabouts or actions, considering she’s already been determined to be the guilty one. 

Oh, what a twisted web an abuser can weave. 

Breaking Free: Acknowledge Cheating is Abuse

For a survivor, the most important first step toward escaping a cycle of abusive power and control is admitting that what they’re experiencing is abuse. In instances like the above, this isn’t a healthy relationship where one partner has made a mistake and there is a chance you can use couples-therapy to mend the relationship. (By the way, couples counseling when domestic violence is involved is not recommended). 

If you notice a pattern of abuse, gaslighting and infidelity all wrapped into one, it’s time to consider reaching out and getting help from a trained domestic violence advocate who can not only validate your experiences but help you plan for next steps. You can also talk with Hope Chat in the lower part of your screen here on DomesticShelters.org; our AI helper who can help you understand what you’re experiencing and find resources for help and support.